A Noun by Any Other Name

Published by Jamie on March 14, 2010 in Essays and Rants, On Becoming Human and On Writing. 0 Comments .

It’s a funny thing, this battle I have in my life with process nouns. Technically, they are called nominalizations—process words turned into “things”. I am a wife, mother, grandmother, woman, teacher—writer–instead of wifing, mothering, grandmothering, etc.

When a process becomes a noun it is like flowing water that suddenly freezes. All movement is gone. We have to guard against these notorious nouns.

Most of us begin writing like we begin a romance—it is a getting to know you process where we probe to better understand our world and how it works. We scribble our dirty little secrets out alone in coffee shops or on buses or in our bedrooms late at night. Occasionally we are kissed by a particular phrasing, a series of words, a delightful expression and we sit back and say, “Damn, that is pretty good. Maybe I could actually be a writer.”

I think of the rambling, personal story I wrote out of the depths of my own frustrated first marriage. The poor woman in my story was ready to be hauled out on Tuesday morning with the trash. But I rather liked the story and it beat continually writing in my bitch book of a journal so I polished it up a bit, titled it “Going South” and sent it off to a Writers Digest contest. When I got an honorable mention it scared the shit out of me and I quit writing for six months.

Even now, as I write these words, I am conscious of a duel role here. First I am a human probing her private thoughts through the process of writing. Second, I am a “writer” who wants to make a point and communicate it clearly.

The writing me doesn’t think about whether you get it or not. I don’t care. This is for me. What I write is none of your business. If I catch you looking over my shoulder, I’ll send you “the look.”

The Writer, however, is much more socially conscious and socially conditioned. Hers is a public role and she continually worries about voice and point of view and whether her message will be heard and read by others.
Writing, in its process form, is consciousness itself. Being a Writer is self-consciousness. There is a difference.

When I was teaching myself how to be a public presenter, I struggled with extreme shyness and would get almost sick every time I had to give a talk. Then one day while talking to a group of campus wives, I had an “aha” that completely turned this around. I realized that I did not have to be a speaker. I just had to be me speaking. The same is true with writing. I don’t have to be a writer, I just have to be me writing.
In fact, I could banish all the notorious nouns. I don’t have to BE anything but a human being in the process of living her life.

The Scent of Spring

Published by Jamie on March 6, 2010 in Essays and Rants and On Becoming Human. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

I want to feel that warm spring air on my face and be back into spending hours everyday outside. My body is already tired of computers and winter. It has been quite a time these past few months since leaving northern MN for South Dakota. We have kicked into high gear while Milt finished the film (Video Letters from Prison,) and we have made plans to move permanently to Cass Lake. We had the chance to visit our straw bale house for a couple of days on this trip and it felt so right to be there. I walked around snow drifts dreaming the gardens into place, the large flower pots protecting my front door, the berry bushes putting on fresh green leaves.

As the winter has crawled by, our plans for Video Letters have bloomed. This film moves the heart in such a wonderful way that we’ve decided to form a confluence between my family constellation work and human development passion and this film. Our plan is to begin setting up facilitated screenings that will take 3-4 hours. We’ll do these intensives with all kinds of groups for the first year but always with the idea of introducing tools and ideas for strengthening the family. We’ve already done a few trial runs with a federal judge and his colleagues, a CD counselor and his prisoner re-entry group, a group of high school students, a group of artists, etc. Each time we do this we come away more clear on how we want to do this. It is a struggle to remember that we cannot “save the world” but that we can operate in small, steady steps to have some influence on the way the world is turning. I feel in the deepest part of my soul that it is the center that crumbles–and that center is the way we do family and basic communication. Too many have left important connections up to weak substitutes such as television and video games.

I hope to be spending more time on my blog from here on out. I am never actually sure who reads it so please leave a comment once in awhile so I will be encouraged to continue.

Jamie

A little bit of talk, a whole lot of love

Published by Jamie on February 10, 2010 in Essays and Rants and On Becoming Human. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Several times today I’ve had “problem-solving” conversations with friends and family about relationships. It seems we are forgetting how to work out simple problems with the gift of talk. It is so easy to have normal daily decisions and actions get caught up in old, nonproductive loops. Here we go round the mulberry bush. Unfortunately, this inability to talk it through to resolution hurts people. We end up hurting those we love by not being clear, not saying what we want or need, not asking for action. There is no magic potion for making relationships work. Life is too complicated. Our partners cannot read minds–but they can learn to listen. It doesn’t help to tell me what it is that you most want and need.

Here is my simplest approach. Be clear in your mind what it is that you need. Stay your age when you ask for that (don’t time travel back to some small, needy you). Don’t hint, dance around the rose bush, pretend that you have asked and expect them to respond–ask directly for what you need. If a diversionary grenade is thrown, bring it back and ask again. And again. If you stand your ground, ask respectfully and clearly and your spouse, friend, partner refuses. Then reconsider that relationship. You don’t need it.

Two people in relationship are like two trees standing together in a meadow. The sun comes out, the storms rage, the snow falls, the wind blows, and both trees are flexible enough to bend either toward one another for common shelter, or back off so the other can get more light and air. And when the sun returns and the sky is blue–enjoy each other.

That is my rant for the day. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Jamie

As January Slips Away

Published by Jamie on January 22, 2010 in Essays and Rants, On Becoming Human and Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I have been strangely absent from my blog for the past weeks.  The new year came and moved in while I was still getting settled.  So many things have been coming to us and we race to keep up.  Milt’s film, Video Letters from Prison is getting a lot of movement now.  The post production is done and it goes into the public broadcast system in June.  In the meantime, we are discovering that this powerful documentary is indeed a way for us to finally talk about the heart and soul of the family.  Today we met with a federal judge, a bunch of legal systems people and a juvenile judge.  By the time they watched the film the women were all in tears.  They really understood that without this core strength of the parents and the lineage, a child is much like a wingless bird.  He cannot fly.

After the meeting, I went into a tailspin.  Something about that meeting brought up all the memories of all the many ways I have tried to become an advocate for the young people.  I was having flashbacks of my early years as a resource teacher in an elementary classroom for emotionally disturbed children.  And the time I worked in a teen attention center.  And the talk I gave last spring to 90 incarcerated youth.  And the book I wrote about adolescence and my own children’s teen years.  There is probably no stronger desire in me than to be able to somehow turn around this destructive cycle of children left to raise and fend for themselves somehow.  When I wrote Albert’s Manuscript, (somewhere here in the mix and also at smashwords.com) I felt like the great spirit was talking to me and urging me forward.  Albert learned that when children are treated well, they become weavers on the loom of the new world.

It would be sweet if the many lines of my life converged at last I could take a place of strength and voice and confidence in helping these lost ones.  I believe it is what I came here to do and perhaps I have been too self-absorbed to get on it.  When we showed Video Letters to a group of high school students in Lincoln, NE in late October of last year, a young man practically cornered me and wanted to talk about his own father.  His sadness was like a scent that lingered around his young body.   It hurts me to know how many just like him are out there trying to figure out this freaking world alone.

Milt recently read that swearing can bring down your blood pressure.  I’m practicing that but won’t subject anybody to my experiment here.

So, in the coming weeks I will be exploring ways to create a toolkit that could be used by families, children, careworkers.  We shall see what evolves.  I am exciting about taking the concepts of Family Constellation Work and making them much more widely known.  A child stands in the lineage of two parents.  In order for a child to stand strong, both lines must remain open.  There, that is the simplest explanation I can give.

In the meantime, my straw bale house stands alone in the freezing snow without us.  We left right before Christmas and are back in Rapid City, SD for the next few months working our tails off to see this film get properly launched.  Milt just created a Face Book fan page for the film so do check it out and become a fan. (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Video-Letters-From-Prison/227630477599?ref=ts

Blessing to all in this advancing new year.

Jamie

Published by Jamie on December 9, 2009 in Bead people, On Becoming Human and Short Fiction. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop in Lincoln, NE following a two-day blizzard.  I think I am done posting items about our construction project–the straw bale house.  We still have lots to do but will probably table it now until spring.  Mudding in the winter does not quite work.  There is a woman singing here in the coffee shop.  A woman on an accordion is accompanying her as she sings and plays the cello.  Her music is much like a chant–droning lyrics and harmonic sounds.  I like it and it kicks me into an interior space.  She just invited the audience to join her in an improve–give her the subject.  Somebody said flowers and another said orchids–and whiskey.

On the way down to Lincoln Milt and I had a lot of time to explore our lives.   We both realized that there is a theme to most of the work that we do.  We care about whatever it takes to build a strong inner core of strength (and humanity).  I know for me that it doesn’t matter whether I am writing, teaching, doing constellation work, doing Bead People project or,  or, or,   I’m always working toward building that core in myself and others.

Lately I’ve been noticing that the advertising, the programs on television, the internet–everywhere I turn adults are being portrayed as selfish children.  They whine, act stupid, and disrespect one another.  I keep trying to figure out what is going on in our world.  Why has it become fashionable to be a brat?  And if our world is full of children and brats, who will take care of the important matters that need tending to?  We should be fighting against the dumbing down of our society, and we should be fighting harder now more than ever.  I don’t know if anybody has seen that silly woman on the Target ads but I, for one, will do no shopping at Target this year.  It may be a small action but it makes me feel better.

When I wrote Albert’s Manuscript, I was struck by the vision it contained of the gigantic, spiraling movements of humankind on earth.  First Man told Albert in his vision that there would be four great movements in the human spiral. Interestingly,they all begin with a ‘W’.  The Walkers, The Watchers, The Weavers–and the Weepers (or Whiners).  Albert learned that in this time, at the end of “The Wind of a Thousand Years,” we must be careful to nurture the children because they will be the weavers of the new world.  I think this is much more than just a story.  I just posted this book as an ebook at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/6758.  This was also the story that came before the shorter “Bead People” version, so I hope you will take a look.

I can’t seem to decide what course my own life should take right now.  Part of me wants to retreat from the good fight (against creating a nation of selfish children) and another part of me wants to push ahead and do workshops and offer alternatives for parents, partners, and individuals.  It feels like most of my adult life has been focused on helping others to achieve their own creative potential.  Am I achieving my own?  Am I standing strong and solidifying my own inner core?  That will be the question on my mind over the next months.

On a lighter note, I made a mountain of lefse with my grandchildren today.  They had a snow day and we had a lot of fun.  I guess that is part of my mission–watching those little weavers grow and gain strength.  They have wonderful, brilliant minds and I love to be around them.

Jamie

In Front of the Fire

Published by Jamie on December 1, 2009 in Indian Country and On Writing. 0 Comments .

It grows colder and was snowing tonight.  We had a small party at our new house.  A friend, Gordy Pratt is in town to do music for Video Letters from Prison and he and my siblings came over and we played around.  Very nice!

Today I uploaded one of my novels, Washaka–The Bear Dreamer as an ebook on Smashwords.  Still some bugs to work out but I love this site.  Saves trees, saves shipping and the book is 1/4 the cost of a print copy.  Do give it a look at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/6713.  Many of you have already read this book of the heart but if you haven’t, you will want to.  We’ll see how it goes, but I am thinking of adding quite a few of my books to this site so they can be available.  Exciting!  You can even download 30% of the book to preview before buying.  A win win for all.

My writer friends–check it out.

One day soon I will sit down and write a more thoughtful post.  Too much in a hurry these days.

Jamie

Home at last

Published by Jamie on October 26, 2009 in On Becoming Human and Our Straw Bale Project. 0 Comments .

Last night we put our bed into our new house and spent the night.  The fire kept us warm and cozy.  There is still a great deal of work to do, but we felt like we at least are in our four, warm walls for the winter.  It is time to begin thinking about work (and making a living) again.  Both Milt and I are ready to turn some attention to what we will do next.  We want to blend his film, Video Letters from Prison with both a forum discussion about the family and a workshop that incorporates constellation work, NLP, and good communication skills.  We are looking for venues–colleges, churches, and groups or organization that want to support such work.  Let us know if you have any ideas.   I think it will develop as we go along.

What have I learned these past few months?  Patience, adjusting and adapting, wanting and using less, making the most of less, and how to work hard physically.  Some days I stare out the front window of our new house and I see the gardens.  Time was so crunched this summer that I did not have a real vegetable garden for the first time in over 30 years.  At least I had the berries . . .  Milt and I have also expanded our strategies for making decisions that we can both agree on.  I have had moments where I felt like the only “girl” around and that my ideas didn’t count.  I’ve been working harder to be heard and say things straight.  Why is that so difficult sometimes?  I have also learned that if I am patient, all things will come together in a good way.  The other day we went to Grand Forks to attend my Uncle Ralph’s funeral.  We had planned to sand and finish our floor and then go to Duluth for a day but when he passed away, we went west instead of east.  Ralph was my father’s brother and the last of my uncles.  It was great to see everyone even under such sad circumstances.

In between events we dove into a thrift store on Demers and found a couch within fifteen minutes.  It feels and looks perfect.    In fact, I am parked on it as I write.

This week we go to Lincoln, NE to launch Video Letters at the Vision Makers Film Festival.  It also gives me a chance to spend time with grandkids and kids.  Onward.

Jamie

Oh no–the snow

Published by Jamie on October 10, 2009 in On Becoming Human. 0 Comments Tags: .

It snowed last night for the first time.  Seems a bit early but, fortunately, we have all the bales, doors, windows in our straw bale house–and we have heat. We also have a full plastic surround which is protecting the outer bales from moisture.  The biggest issue we face is living in the small not-made-for-winter trailer.   We have decided to do a bit more plugging, set up the systems, and move in.  Today I did the first real plastering on the interior.  It was pretty exciting for me because I have been waiting to do that for months.  It is just like I thought–so much more than simply painting a wall.  I am literally putting the wall in when I apply the wet clay mud.  I loved it.

The biggest issue from trying to do this so late is all the extra time it takes to make sure our bales stay dry and we stay warm.  I spent a lot of time today plugging and mudding the walls and with each hour that passed I felt the interior of the house grow more and more silent and warm.  The stillness inside is quite remarkable.  That is one of the things that drew us to want to build with bales–those thick, silent walls.

Before too long the winter itself will halt our frenetic pace.  I am almost looking forward to a foot or two of snow.  We will at last turn our attention to other things.  In a few weeks Milt’s film, Video Letters from prison will premiere at a film festival in Lincoln, NE.  I will get to see my children and grandchildren and we will have a break.

Until then, I will mud on.

Jamie

My slip is showing

Published by Jamie on September 30, 2009 in On Becoming Human and Our Straw Bale Project. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Today, at last, we began applying the plaster to our straw bale cabin.  Never mind that it is nearly October 1-we are getting there.  The work has been grueling, but we continue to push on and it feels like we turned a corner today.  We bought an old stucco spraying machine for $300 and we just weren’t sure whether we could get all the crap cleaned out of it enough for it to do the job.  Today, my brother Jeff came over with a magical machine that he called an air chisel and he banged the old cement out of that machine.  Later, with a few false starts (pulling tiny plugs of cement out of it) we were able to put the clay slip on one whole side.  It was a sweet moment!  I also mixed my first batch of plaster and plugged the spaces around the earth bags on two sides.  We are not quite baled in but will be within a few days.  The work is slow but so satisfying.  And I can’t tell you how great it is to watch that open space become a home.  I love it.  Even though my hands ache and my body is more tired than I thought possible at this age (I will be 56 in Oct.), I would not choose to be anywhere else doing anything else.

My little $20 cement mixer is doing an amazing job of turning sand, clay, water and straw into a durable material for plastering.  It becomes this giant doughy lump inside of the machine until the only thing I can do is grab it out with my hands in big clumps.

Milt and I have dreamed about building a home just like this for 20 years.  We had children, bills, jobs, etc., but we never let go of the dream.  Now, it I amazing to really be doing it.  Although we are probably two to three weeks out, we are already thinking about lighting a pretty fire and cooking a nice meal in our new home.   I am dreaming about my garden next summer and the summer kitchen I will build to process all of the garden goodies.  We have in mind chickens and Cornish hens to deal with the bugs and further enhance our diet.  I think winter will come and go in an eye blink and we will be refreshed and ready for phase two.  Next summer we plan to build the summer kitchen and small studios, one for Milt and one for me.

So many things have come together to help us put this dream together.  I don’t know how I will ever thank my brothers especially.  You cannot imagine how nice it has been to have a metal shop just across the field.  Today I walked over to the shop and asked if they could make me a mixing paddle to attach to a drill-fifteen minutes later I was walking home with two varieties.  They are magicians with metal.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you may have noticed a dramatic shift between my concerns for students in Pine Ridge and my current concern for whether mud and straw will stick to a wall of straw or earth bags.  My love for teaching and writing is still alive and well-it is just that with Mother Nature pulling inward again toward winter, I have to keep my priorities straight.  My choices are to push forward and hope for the best-or go back to Rapid City.  We are pushing forward.

Blessing to all.  May all the forces of nature converge and give you exactly what you want!  Like my guru says, Grace and Self-Effort are the two wings of progress.

Jamie

A bale wall goes up . . . at last

Published by Jamie on September 23, 2009 in On Becoming Human and Our Straw Bale Project. 2 Comments Tags: .

I haven’t posted much lately-too busy getting our house built before the snow flies.  At last the work on roof, foundation, and floor is completed and we laid the first straw bales last night.  Today we made great progress and have two partial walls built.  Working with the bales is half art and half trial and error.  We slowly made our way around the logs and the windows, connecting one corner.  I am happy with the size of the front window-huge.  There will be light in this little house.  I think we will be “baled in” within 3-4 more days with additional work progressing on spraying the finished walls with clay slip and beginning to plaster.  I think we were both relieved to see the first bales go in.  It has seemed as if the other work would never be done.  There is still much to do but each day Milt and I get stronger and stronger (from working longer and longer).

Today after we finished working I went to the lake and stuck my feet in to see if it was still warm enough to swim.  The nights are beginning to cool dramatically, but the water felt fine so I put my suit on and went in.  The surface was glassy and the sun low in the sky.  It was cold but still more refreshing than painful.  I floated on my back and watched the fishing boats.  A heron flew overhead and two seagulls went winging by in tandem.  What better?  I still can’t believe it is nearing the end of September and the lake is still not as cold as Rapid Creek in July.

I wish I could turn my mind back to a more introspective inquiry, but the building is taking all we have to offer right now.   I am not so worried about the cold-I just want to know that the plaster will dry and set up once it goes on.  Then I will breathe a sigh of relief and begin to fashion this construction site into a home site.  Today I left for a few minutes and when I got back Milt was practically knee-deep in loose straw.  A couple of the bales had burst on him-I thought he looked like a kid on a hayride.

One thing that continues to amaze me is how little stuff we need around us in order to be comfortable and happy.  On our recent trip back to Rapid City we brought more of that “stuff” with us and I found myself feeling annoyed with the extra burden of material gods.  I spent part of yesterday thinning out other stuff to make room for the new.

I am so looking forward to having this heavy physical workload behind us, so we can begin to dream forward into this new life.  In my mind the house is finished, the fire is burning, and I am planning next spring’s garden plot.  I am also finally turning my attention to some new writing project.  Onward.

Jamie