Patricia Jamie Lee

In January Milt and I celebrated our 19th anniversary–and sometimes it feels like we are just getting started.  Often people we meet comment on how nice it is to see a couple who is still in love after that many years.  Once, a couple years ago, I wrote a summary of how I think people can do healthy relationships.  I think I will post that here tonight–and posting when you should be with your mate is not on the list.

 Here it is.

Clearing for Couples

Say it early, say if often, say it before it becomes impossible to say!

Most relationships crumble not under the weight of large events but under the rubble of the unspoken small things.  Learning a good process for “clearing” the small rubble of day-to-day living prepares us to weather the larger events should they arise.  Trust, intimacy, and growth flower when a space is prepared for this regular “clearing” of the small things.  When Milt and I got married we discovered that both of our previous marriages had crumbled under just such a weight–the small things unspoken.  Because we didn’t say the small things, they would all explode out destructively in an emotionally loaded moment. 

When we married, Milt and I agreed to accept three guidelines for our marriage:

• Everything happens for a reason-there are no accidents.
• There is no such thing as a “bad” (or unworthy) feeling.
• And we would keep no secrets (of thought or action).

So–no accidents, no bad feelings, no secrets.

To check our progress on this we began to do a regular “Clearing Session” and to create a space for allowing information to flow in the relationship.  The “signal” for the need for clearing is when one or the other of us is not feeling connected to the other.  It is as if when things go unspoken, a balloon blows up between the two partners and rather than risk pricking the balloon and saying something wrong, both partners begin to drift away from one another.  If there is no communication, the balloon just gets bigger and the risk greater.  So, the solution is clear it before it becomes too big. 

The only real parameter set for a good clearing is that either partner can say anything they need to say.  Often, when we are doing this, we even begin by saying “this is hard to say, but….”.  The underlying message in this is “Be gentle with me, I am about to take a risk and I need to feel safe with you.”

Be aware of any “Yeah buts” in the clearing.  If you say what needs to be said and the partner automatically goes “Yeah but…you did or said…” then you know this is straying from the purpose of the clearing session.  Score-keeping and “yeah buts” are not allowed.  If these old, destructive measuring patterns are not allowed, then what is allowed? 

The secondary goal of a clearing session is not just that the stuff get dumped but that it go somewhere different and lead toward a resolution.  The common stance in relationships is “I am unhappy and it’s because of something YOU are doing or not doing.”  This is a dead end.  The clearing session gives us an opportunity to explore many of the following hidden premises for a relationship.  Here are just the ones that come to mind for me. 

What is my expectation of you?  Is it a true or fair expectation?

1. What is my expectation for myself?  Is it a true or realistic expectation?
2. In what ways am I making your business my business?  Or vice versa. 
3. Am I feeling guilty or incomplete about something and shifting blame?
4. Is what you just said somehow reflective of what I think of myself? 
5. Is anybody in the family using “hostile humor”.  This is something I don’t allow in my family (unlike the Simpsons). We do not seek intimacy or resolve issues by “poking fun” or making digging comments at someone in the family.  Everyone is allowed to be in the family without teasing, nasty humor etc. coming at them.
6. Is there a systems problem here we can recognize and redesign?  For instance, if every night at supper chaos erupts right before supper, we can analyze the process of “bringing supper to the table” to determine if the system is messed up somehow.  Perhaps the kids need a snack at 4:00 to waylay the hungries.  Perhaps a crock-pot supper would save stress at suppertime.  Perhaps Mom or Dad really need 15 minutes each of alone time prior to supper.  Perhaps other tasks and chores are choking the suppertime traffic.  All of these questions analyze the “system” instead of shouting blame and accusations at each other.  Milt and I have discovered that fully 90% of relationship difficulties are really “systems” problems.  We can pick apart the system without picking apart each other.
7. Finally, what of our communication difficulties relate to our systems of origin (old ways of being) and our own inner systems (Am I staying my right age or are there things triggering me to shrink?)

When we take the small problems and irritations that come up during the clearing session and look at them from the “bigger picture” we can perhaps begin to actually design solutions and new systems to make life go smoother. 

When one of the partners says something that may be perceived as “hurtful”, be willing to take it in, turn it over, think of it in all of the above ways and even sleep on it for a few days before responding in kind. 

Conclusion

A solid, trusting relationship makes it possible for us to risk new behaviors and to grow in other arenas.  Taking the time and energy necessary to do these small clearing sessions can yield a big reward for both partners.  Old, stale energy is released and new energy can come in.  The frequency or length of the clearing sessions depends upon how often your “balloon of the unspoken” blows up.  Initially, you may need to do it daily or weekly.  Eventually, a clearing session is needed only when the drifting signal comes. 

Remember, the best gift we can give to our children is to show them intimacy and trust between two parents.  Children thrive when the first priority in the family is the relationship of Mom and Dad.