Several times today I’ve had “problem-solving” conversations with friends and family about relationships. It seems we are forgetting how to work out simple problems with the gift of talk. It is so easy to have normal daily decisions and actions get caught up in old, nonproductive loops. Here we go round the mulberry bush. Unfortunately, this inability to talk it through to resolution hurts people. We end up hurting those we love by not being clear, not saying what we want or need, not asking for action. There is no magic potion for making relationships work. Life is too complicated. Our partners cannot read minds–but they can learn to listen. It doesn’t help to tell me what it is that you most want and need.
Here is my simplest approach. Be clear in your mind what it is that you need. Stay your age when you ask for that (don’t time travel back to some small, needy you). Don’t hint, dance around the rose bush, pretend that you have asked and expect them to respond–ask directly for what you need. If a diversionary grenade is thrown, bring it back and ask again. And again. If you stand your ground, ask respectfully and clearly and your spouse, friend, partner refuses. Then reconsider that relationship. You don’t need it.
Two people in relationship are like two trees standing together in a meadow. The sun comes out, the storms rage, the snow falls, the wind blows, and both trees are flexible enough to bend either toward one another for common shelter, or back off so the other can get more light and air. And when the sun returns and the sky is blue–enjoy each other.
That is my rant for the day. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Jamie