Under a nearly full moon . . .

The summer is already waning.  We have been much busier than I anticipated this summer.  In the midst of finishing our straw bale cabin, we have also gotten some new projects and I have begun to do Family Constellation Work in Minneapolis.  The people who are showing up are amazing.  They are forward facing ready to remove all obstacles and make a better world type of people.  I love it.  Tonight my husband is out doing his thing on the Iron Range (one of our projects is a new radio documentary), and I just stepped outside to see what the night was like.  The moon was peeking out behind dense clouds, but it is nearly full.  I am wondering when did it become so full.  Last I looked, it was a slim crescent.

I do not want to get so busy that I forget to look at the moon.  The physical me feels fall coming and is ready to return to a blank page and see who I am now.  The summer has been amazing.  I especially liked when all of my children arrived for a visit.  I’ll see if I can post a picture here.

Me, Nichol, Lisa, Thomas

Summer reunion

So, orders are coming in for my new books, the final fill coat of mud is on, my ceiling boards are getting varnished, and all is well.

A simple life?  Maybe not for me.

Jamie Lee

The Taming Power of Love

I am happy to announce that my new novel, The Taming Power of Love, is now available.  In this story I follow two young Lakota boys who lead the way to a total revolution of the heart.  This book has been a labor of love and committment for me as a writer–ten years in the making and my favorite story.  You can now order it at Amazon.com I am posting the first two chapters here tonight.

Chapter 1

February 27, 2003

Cuny Table, a tabletop mesa in the heart of Lakota country, is an unlikely place for a restaurant. The mesa itself is a survivor, having held its ground as thirty-five million years of wind and rain eroded the land into what is now the Badlands of South Dakota. On its high top are a few scat­tered ranches, fields of winter wheat, and a view so wide it feels like the floor of heaven. Sketched along the skyline to the west are the Black Hills; and on the northeastern edge surrounded by a few rough buildings is the Cuny Café.

Agnes Stands Alone, the owner of the café, has been there as long as anybody can remember. She is an old, square-bodied woman with short, coarse hair and eyes like dark marbles that seem to see straight through you. The regulars call her Unci, or Grandmother in Lakota. Most of them wander in not so much for the food (although the food is good) but for her company and the unusual tea she brews from plants gathered down in the Cheyenne River breaks. The old ones, especially, find Agnes’s tea eases their aching bones and makes the blood flow more easily to the toes. Oh, she makes no claims about her tea, but everybody who walks in gets a steaming cup slapped down before them with a brisk command to, “Drink up.”

The café, an old thirty-foot trailer, has been gutted, in­sulated, and made into one open space except for a back bedroom which nobody but Agnes has ever been in. The front has a single booth, two tables, and a plywood counter top covered with blue-flowered contact paper. Some strangers think the poor old trailer looks like a dislocated train car hooked to nothing, going nowhere.

Agnes never hesitates to give advice—or a solid scolding—when needed. But, more than the tea or Indian tacos or advice or whatever is on the menu that day (everybody eats the same daily special), the locals go to the café for Agnes’s stories. She knows all of the old Lakota stories. She knows the creation stories, the stories of Iktomi the trickster and the Seven Sisters who can still be seen winking down from the sky on a clear night. Her favorite is the story of the Second Cleansing when Unci Makah grew tired of the antics of her human children and tossed all but a few off her powerful body. According to the story, those She sheltered later emerged from Wind Cave as The Lakota People.

Agnes, however, doesn’t just tell old stories. Sometimes she tailor-makes the story especially for the person hearing it. For instance, once J.J. Runs At Night had a new colt so sick it couldn’t stand. Agnes told him a story about how a grove of young willows withstood the mightiest of storms by forcing their roots further into Unci Makah, Grandmother Earth. “Such smart, young trees,” she said, “to know just what to do.” By the time J.J. got home, the colt was running across the corral on four sturdy legs.

Another time, June Player’s daughter tried to die by cutting her wrists with the top of a tuna can. The poor girl nearly bled out before they found her. For this dangerous moment, Agnes told June about a small ant who had lost his place in line—until the wind blew a single grain of sand across his path, forcing him to turn another way. The next day, June’s daughter woke up from her deep, uneasy sleep talking about needing to find her place—before it was too late.

A while later, the girl began writing poetry and gave Agnes this poem written in a smooth, pretty hand:

In the greater scheme of things

Only she who sings,

And learns to play the wind,

Will ever grow wings.

Now I play the wind.

Agnes took a pineapple-shaped magnet, stuck the poem to her fridge and said, “Good.” After that the young girl began hanging around the café helping Agnes peel potatoes and wipe off countertops.

Of the nearly forty thousand residents of The Pine Ridge Reservation, at least half of them have been in the Cuny Café at one time or another, not to mention visitors from Japan, Switzerland, Germany, and many other places. Agnes keeps a guest book and feeds them all tea and stories.

On slow days, Agnes sits in an old rocking chair on the rough-lumber porch that the regulars had built for her five years earlier and lights her pipe. When it’s not in use, she keeps the pipe in a small, beaded bag hanging on a nail beside the screen door like a good luck charm. The bowl is carved red pipestone from a quarry in southern Minnesota. This particular stone, Agnes says, was once part of the Black Hills until it broke away and floated off during some ancient upheaval.

Agnes fills the pipe with a dried version of her tea, and while she smokes, she prays. Sometimes the praying takes her far off to what she simply calls “the other place.” The first time she visited this other place she had been only seventeen and drunk. Her uncle, a medicine man, had found her puking her guts out beneath an old cottonwood tree and taken her home and made her pray for three days straight without food or water. That ornery old man—he’d cut straight through her young spirit to the old woman already living there, and Agnes had never again been able to return to her ordinary young life.

Now, when the locals drive up Cuny Table to grab a bite to eat and find her sitting so still with the pipe in her lap and the spirit absent from her eyes, they know not to disturb her and simply tromp up the steps to help themselves in her kitchen. Occasionally, the praying is so complete, so per-vasive, that they find it impossible to cross her threshold and simply get back into their trucks and leave.

Agnes sees many things in the smoke curling up from her pipe; she sees the land, she sees distant places, she sees the beating hearts of the people, the breaking hearts of the people, the loving hearts of the people; and, sometimes, in the hazy curl she sees the old ones who once walked the earth but now watch from other realms. The old ones have stories of their own to tell, but Agnes never tells these stories to anybody except Bill Elk Boy.

It was one of these days, on the edge of winter, when Agnes cast her inner eye outward toward the weathered lands north of Cuny Table and saw the change coming. There, on a single square foot of dry, deserted earth in the Badlands, a thin line of dust rose up from a single needle-mark in the sand. Agnes watched the whorl of dust curl upward like the smoke of her pipe. It had no discernible color unless she used the very edges of her peripheral vision—and then she saw the palest of pink light rising from a dark horizon. As she watched, the pale moving spiral seemed to take shape, as if Creator was conjuring something from nothing, dancing dust into form.

When the dust settled, she saw the form of a woman   asleep in the sand and Agnes knew she had returned at last, the little one . . . the lost one. Two young boys were walking toward the sleeping woman.

When the glaze cleared from her eyes and she again entered this ordinary realm, Bill Elk Boy was beside her. He took the pipe, the bowl now cold to the touch, tapped it clean on the edge of his chair, slipped it back into the beaded bag, and said, “It begins, Agnes. Today it begins.”

Chapter 2

The two boys approached cautiously. From a distance Jed Forrest thought it must be a dead deer or that someone had dumped a pile of clothing out here in the middle of nowhere. He got closer, and his heart started thumping hard when he saw it was a person laying there on the ground—a lady. He and his little brother, Pete, had seen a lot of strange things out here in the Badlands—but they’d never found a body before.

Pete hurried ahead and was on the ground reaching out to touch the lady. Jed caught up to him and whispered, “Don’t touch her,”

“Why not?” Pete asked.

“Because she might be dead, murdered maybe, and we’d mess up the crime scene.”

“Oh,” said Pete. “But, Jed, what if she’s just sick and needs a doctor? We got to do something.”

“I know that. Let me think a minute.”

Jed didn’t know what to think or do. The lady was curled into herself as if she was cold. She wore nothing but a light jacket, jeans, boots, and no cap. He resisted the urge to touch her even though he’d told Pete not to. His dad was maybe fifteen minutes away—too far to hear them if they yelled—but Pete was right; they needed to do something. He reached for her wrist to see if he could feel a pulse. Her skin was warm and relief washed through him—she was alive. He pressed his fingers into her wrist and felt the thump, thump of her heartbeat. “She’s not dead, Pete.”

“Look, Jed. She’s waking up. Maybe you brought her back to life.”

“Shut up, Pete.” Jed dropped her wrist just as the lady blinked her eyes once, twice and then looked up at him. It was strange, the way her eyes wandered, looked up and down, and then finally focused on him. She shook her head and rubbed her face. Jed said, “Are you okay?”

“What?” she said quietly, still blinking and rubbing her eyes.

Pete squatted down and said, almost yelling it out. “She’s alive.”

“Hush, Pete. You’ll scare her. ” Jed stood up and looked down at the woman. “Are you hurt?”

She moved slowly feeling her arms and shoulders and then pushed herself up into a sitting position. “I don’t think so. No, I’m fine. Everything seems to be working.”

Jed looked around for something to explain her being asleep in such a strange place “What the heck are you doing here?”

“I . . . I don’t know. Where is here?” she asked.

“Sheesh—you don’t even know where you are? This is the Badlands. We thought you were dead.” Jed couldn’t believe it.

She smiled. “Well, I don’t appear to be dead since I’m sitting up. Who are you guys?”

“I’m Jed. This is my little brother, Pete. But who the heck are you?” Cripes, he thought, she looks like she just woke up from a little nap in her own bed.

“Give me a minute here, boys. I need to get my bearings. It’s been a very long night, maybe the longest night ever.” She planted her palms on the earth and dug them into the sand, as if the sand was going to tell her something she didn’t know. Jed waited.

The lady finally dusted off her fingers and said, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know who I am.”

Pete sat down beside her and crossed his legs. “She’s got nesia, Jed. You know, like when you can’t remember things.”

Jed said, “The word is amnesia, Pete.”

Pete nodded, focusing all his attention on the lady. “Or maybe you got picked up by aliens, and they dropped you here from their spaceship.”

“Aliens? Come on, Pete.” Jed poked him with his toe.

“Well, I saw a show once and there were these creatures from another planet and . . . .”

“Not now, Pete.” Jed tried to explain it to the strange lady, “My brother is—”

“Sweet. Your brother is sweet,” she said. “No, Pete. I don’t think it was aliens who left me here.”

“What’s your name?” Pete asked.

She rubbed her face and then scanned the earth around her. “Terra. My name is Terra.”

Jed wondered if she was playing some sort of strange game with them “If you can’t remember who you are, then how do you know your name is Terra? What are you doing here? And how did you get here?”

“So many questions for one so young,” she shook her head and shrugged. “I don’t know how I know, and I don’t know what I am doing here. Waiting for you guys, I guess,” she said. She looked around again and seemed to really see where they were for the first time. “This place takes my breath away. It’s so beautiful.” She gave her fingers a wiggle and then looked down at them as if surprised to find them working. “This is amazing, incredible really.”

“What? What’s incredible?” Jed tugged at his long, dark hair—hair he had not cut since his mom died.

The lady watched him, seeming to notice him for the first time. She looked from him to Pete and said, “Are you guys Indians?”

Jed nodded, “Lakota.” He was beginning to not like this game or this lady or the way Pete was staring up at her as if she were the moon and sun combined. “Pete—quit staring at her.”

“She’s pretty, Jed.”

“Oh cripes.” He resisted the urge to kick sand at his stupid little brother.

“Pete. Jed.” Terra said quietly, as if the names were sacred sounds. “It’s okay, Jed. Everything is okay, don’t you know?”

“What? What don’t I know?” He was beginning to dislike this word game. The lady reached out as if to touch him but he pulled back.

“How old are you, Jed?”

“Twelve.”

“Ah, such a good age.” She turned to Pete. “And how old are you?”

Pete grinned. “Seven. Almost. Next month.”

She nodded and said, “Perfect. Now, quit worrying, Jed. Never mind that I can’t answer your questions yet. I’m just so happy to meet the two of you. Really I am.” She stood up, pausing a minute as if to make sure her legs were working, and then she said simply, “Come on. Let’s go.”

“But . . . but where are you going?” Jed asked.

“With you and Petey, of course, since I don’t know where I am and it wouldn’t make sense to just stay here all alone.” She took Pete’s hand and then started off down the draw in the same direction from which they had just come.

Jed shook his head as he watched the strange lady and his little brother walk off like who-do-you-know. His head felt funny, tight and full, and he couldn’t figure out what was going on. There was no car or truck, no motorcycle or campsite, nothing to explain what she was doing passed out under an embankment, no clue of who she was or what the heck she was doing sleeping in the Badlands.

Jed didn’t like strangers, and he most certainly didn’t like strangers who called his little brother “Petey.” He let Terra and Pete get ahead of him. He was thinking about how, when they’d first found her, he’d thought she was dead, lying there not moving, like something tossed away. He’d felt for a pulse and just when he’d been about to run for his dad, she’d opened her eyes and blinked up at them. Cripes, that had given him a scare—like a movie—the dead one getting up again and again.

Except they didn’t all get up.

His mom hadn’t gotten up again. Sometimes they were just plain dead. He felt the familiar plunk in his belly that always came when he thought of his mom. “Dang,” he muttered aloud.

Now the lady and Pete were walking ahead of him like old buddies, and he had to hurry to catch up. He closed the distance between them. When he caught up, Terra put her hand out; and without thinking he took hold of it like it was a stick and he was drowning in a creek. The lady just smiled at him and suddenly his cheeks felt hot.

Something crazy is going on here, he thought, now totally conscious of her hand in his. In an eye blink, everything had changed. He looked at her, but she was staring forward, marching along like a soldier. When they topped the rise, he tugged his hand from hers and said, “My dad is this way.” He pointed off in the direction of the truck and they walked soundlessly down the dusty wash and up over the bluff.

She looked at him and said with a wink, “Lead the way, my man. Wither thou goest, there go I.”

“What did you say?”

“Relax, Jed. I’m only having some fun with you. Are you always so serious?”

“I am not so serious.” The lady stared at him like she could see right through him, and that made him mad. He turned and walked off.

Staying ahead of them, Jed led the way over the bluff and back down into another wash, following the tracks that he and Pete had made just a little while ago when the world still seemed together and they were just going off to collect sticks or cans. He could see their tracks pressed into the sand like fossils—yet it didn’t seem like the same path they had come down. Suddenly nothing seemed familiar. He looked around and it seemed like a movie with the volume turned up, like there was more of everything: more color in the sky, more softness to the sand, more insects buzzing in his ears, more yellow in the morning sun . . . more, more, more. It made him dizzy.

He headed toward his dad’s truck shaking his head, fighting a sudden weird urge to laugh and wondering what his dad would say about her.

Let him figure it out, Jed thought. Let him just go figure.

How Many Days, and How Many Nights?

How many
pages, how many
notebooks, how many words
and characters, how many mornings and
how many nights, how many pens with ink in purple
and blue and black and red, and how many bursts to organize
time, how many resolutions in the new year to gain discipline, how
many books read on craft and character, how many for the love of fiction
alone and how many ideas started and stopped, how many born full term only
to rest in isolation, how many sweet scenes, how many sad, how many sweet,
sexy flashing bright contacts and how many spirits whispering secrets into sand and sea
and deaf ears, how many children meeting other children, how many conferences
or contacts with other writers and how many web sites and articles and wishes
and dreams and tears of frustration and how many blank pages faced
bravely, cowardly, tentatively, and how many ‘ly’ words slashed
unceremoniously and how many times on my knees before
gods and great spirits will it take to claim my writing
and put it in the middle
of my life?

We are off this morning (in the rain) to do a Bead People Event in Pine River, MN.  I think we are having a monsoon. Torrential rains yesterday and through the night.  Should be a fun (wet and chilly?) day.  As we have finally begun to catch up with old projects, rebuilding our website and work on the house, I am beginning to turn my mind toward “what now?”  I am still amazed at how the Bead People make me smile.  We have quite a few events coming up, but I can’t see them being my mainstay.  I will be so curious to see if my urge to write comes back.  It has been oddly absent the past few years–as if the editor has moved into her chair and the writer took a walk out in the back yard and isn’t sure if she wants to come back in.  Between Tools for writing and my two books, The Lonely Place and The Taming Power, I feel kind of spun out.  Day after day I go out to the pile of clay in my yard and begin screening the dirt, mixing the mud, applying the mud as if I am in a trance.  It feels good.  It feels magical.  I’m working on the thicker infill coat and the mud goes on in fistfuls and builds out from the wall in one, two, three inch applications.  Once I have piled a bunch onto a small section of wall, I start to work it.  It is thick, wet, moving.  I actually feel like I am touching skin and there is a body beneath my fingers.   I soothe it and smooth it until it conforms to the shape and thickness I want, nice and even across a three foot section.  It is incredibly hard work and takes forever, and yet it pulls me into this earthy trance, forming the body of my house.

Writing?  Who cares.  That is kind of where I’m at right now.  I’d like to know the exact number of hours, minutes, days, weeks that I have sat with a notebook or on the computer or staring at a page working on a story.  Now that my favorite novel is out (Taming Power), I feel more settled on the matter.  That probably will not last.  That probably is not the truth.  One day, we shall see, I’ll be walking out the door and down the steps and a thought will come.  It might be a single phrase, a title floating out there with nothing to attach itself to, or it might be an image, a bit of action, and I will be off again.  But I don’t want my life to be about “wanting” something to happen.  I want to be.  I think I will repost my favorite little poem here since it relates.

When Families Gather

Today we had a first summer gathering–a picnic.  We had the idea a few days ago, and today I was surrounded by three brothers, a sister, multiple nephews and nieces and in-laws–some friends as well.  Besides coming north to build our house and be near the lakes (and berries) I am loving being with my family again.  We are quirky and all have our own issues to deal with, but there is something here that I could never get in South Dakota–my family.  Together we have 30 acres of land all connected–Bairdville.  My brother Rick and his family live in the house my father and mother built–and Rick and Jeff run the wrought iron business that my father owned.  My brother Jim lives in the house my grandmother and grandfather lived in when they were alive and raising a family.  I can remember my Grandma Dolly’s legendary gardens.  During harvest time she would cook a garden stew in a giant pot out in the yard.  She would use nothing that she did not grow.  Peas, carrots, beans, potatoes, peas–and about a gallon of cream and butter.  There was nothing like it.  When I was first on my own I would try to recreate her stew with frozen vegetables and would almost feel guilty pulling the bags from the freezer.

This year I will have my own strawberries.  (Grandma D. had rows of them.)  I have two gardens now, the berry garden with my 3-year old blueberry and raspberry plants, and the newly carved vegetable garden in front of my straw bale house.  It is a beauty.  I am excited that we used an area that had been an old trash dump.  Even the other day we were still pulling crap out of it (the top of an antique washing machine–roller and all).  Now, it has been cleaned, raked, trash removed, and vegetables planted.  I was thinking of the little book I read many, many years ago about Findhorn.  It was a commune that landed next to a dump and their gardens grew amazing crops.

Tomorrow I will take picture and post it.  And this Saturday we have scheduled a mudding workshop.  We shall see if there is any interest–if not we will be out there mudding as usual anyway.

Give us this day, our daily mud . . . that popped into my mind as I mixed my first load today.

Onward.

Jamie

No Ordinary Day

This was quite a day.  I planted my first MN garden–and it looks beautiful.  I also completed a ten-year plus book project.  The proof copy is being sent for my novel, The Taming Power of Love.  This books has been such a labor of love.  This book talks about the transformation of the human experience on Earth.  In the story, two young Lakota boys find a strange woman asleep (unconscious) in the Badlands of South Dakota.  She doesn’t know who she is or why she is here.  As the story unfolds, we are caught up in a mystical story about how the characters have come together to do a renewal ceremony for Mother Earth.  Not one of them  knows what the next step is–they are forced to follow what feels right.

One day I heard the Lakota story of the “second cleansing.”  In the story, Unci Makah, (Mother Earth) grows tired of the violent and unruly antics of her human children.  She decides to toss them all off.  Before she does so, she takes a few inside of herself, and then tosses the rest off.  It is said that the ones she chose were taken into Wind Cave and they later emerged as the Lakota people.  This story touched me.  I wondered what Mother Earth (Unci) would do with this human family in this moment.  This was the birthplace of this story.  I thought that there was really only one thing that could save us, and that would be getting in touch with “great love.”

This book is coming out now.  I am so excited about it.  I hope all of my committed readers will find it.  I think you will love it as much as I do.

Jamie

When Families Can’t Stay Together

Family Constellation Work

Jamie facilitating a Constellation

So, I begin to gain a little confidence with adding media and such to my site.  Here will be a first post (I hope) with an audio clip of me speaking about divorce at a Family Constellation Workshop.  Please do let me know if you couldn’t open it or hear it and, most of all, what you thought about the content of what is being said.

audio clip of talk about divorce

These Sleepy Black Hills

I read once that the Black Hills of South Dakota are one of the oldest mountain ranges in the world. For millions of years they have stood here, watching time pass, watching the creatures come and go. When you walk around here, you can almost feel the Elders smiling. Ah, those silly human beings. Just who do they think they are?

Today we saw snow on the top of Harney Peak. It is May 15th. Crazy. I spent a frustrating day looking at “themes” for my blog. It is amazing how easy it is to waste time on the look of things and not on the content of things. I still have no idea if my efforts were effective or if I really did mess this up, but tonight I don’t really care. I always have to begin somewhere. On the long ride out here from northern MN we talked . . . and talked . . . and talked. Milt and I both realized that we have been trying and pretending to be business people when what we really are just artists in love with the act of creating. We don’t get profit and loss and bottom lines very well. This kind of spun me out for awhile–it is still spinning me out. I like to write stories. I like to work with people and their stories. That kind of sums it up for me. I probably will never be rich and famous or a successful business person. It makes me think of the caption some yearbook committee put under my high school graduation picture. It was pretty close to the bone. It said, “Let me live in my house by the side of the road–and be a friend to man.”

Now I can’t wait to get back to my house by the side of the road and do just that.

Jamie

Sketching the Male Protagonist

This is a little thing I did when I got stuck on a male character in one of my novels. I wanted to know more about Charles so I did a freewriting session to see what I could learn about him. It worked.

Sketching the Male Protagonist

Charles, like pudding, loose and soft, his shape never molding, he walks the frames of each scene like blue wash background. No stiff poke, no grit, no getty-up. The tender, perfect boy who slips into the back desk in the classroom and listens, never asking questions, never offering opinion, sprung from nothing into nothing, a cartoon without color or feature, no secrets, no sins, no sinister bottom note to the perfect top.
What could I add to this poor pasty man whose life unfolds around him in passive acquiescence? What would wake him up? What does he fear? He fears fire, he fears loss, he fears being left again among the living, he blames himself for mom and dad’s grief, and his little brother’s death. It was a spark, only a spark, a smoldering error never extinguished, never put out, still burning in his soul.
I like it, the helpless go along has a reason to not make waves, not engage, fully. Not worthy to have the care of innocents, the child beneath his roof, mustn’t father, mustn’t love. It deepens the man, puts the boy back in his soul. No, he is not pudding, but water and charred wood and a long stretch of scar tissue on the upper arm that failed to pull the little brother out through the window of his parent’s farmhouse. His fault. His secret. His torment.

How did the fire start?

Stupid, stupid, stupid, everybody knows model glue is flammable. Charles, seven years old, his brother younger, hidden in the tiny back closet assembling the model of a wooden ship to sail on great oceans. They work for hours, until dark, until little brother says guess I’ll light a candle so we can see what we are doing. And Charles, preoccupied, not hearing the little brother, steps out for just a minute, just one short, sixty second minutes and then whoosh, the world bursts into flame. Oh my god, oh my god, for the rest of his life he hears that oh my god scream from his own lips, and from the lips of little brother before he died.
Charles built the boat that carried his little brother across the sea to the other realms.

The punishment? To never be happy, never cover the scar, never wear long sleeves, or care for children. Again and again he turns from what will make him happy, from Rose, his pretty woman, from her children and the children they would have together that would make him whole.

Ah, this leads smoothly to the forest fire in my story, to the sacred ring where all children are kept safe by magic and grace. Now Charles must face his fear at last or lose them all, lose his own soul.
Later, after Charles has passed the test, little Emily, precious psychic child, sees the younger brother laughing and playing. She tells Charles he need not torture himself–little brother lives in a splendid castle on the other side.

Charles looks different to me now. I find an empathy with his heart, with his suffering as he finds his true place upon the page. He attracts me, awakens my healing heart that wants to smooth the scars along his arm. Now, he is ready for Rose. Now we can discover how the man with the heavy burden meets the magical woman under a Tucson sun. He will resist, sure, and move toward and away again and again, but oh, love is strong, and the pull of destiny is even stronger. Now the high tides in the blood ruled by the moon will move them. And he will lose the fight. And he will love her. And he will heal and learn to trust again that the world is a good place–even when it isn’t.
That’s the man I was looking for.

A Noun by Any Other Name

It’s a funny thing, this battle I have in my life with process nouns. Technically, they are called nominalizations—process words turned into “things”. I am a wife, mother, grandmother, woman, teacher—writer–instead of wifing, mothering, grandmothering, etc.

When a process becomes a noun it is like flowing water that suddenly freezes. All movement is gone. We have to guard against these notorious nouns.

Most of us begin writing like we begin a romance—it is a getting to know you process where we probe to better understand our world and how it works. We scribble our dirty little secrets out alone in coffee shops or on buses or in our bedrooms late at night. Occasionally we are kissed by a particular phrasing, a series of words, a delightful expression and we sit back and say, “Damn, that is pretty good. Maybe I could actually be a writer.”

I think of the rambling, personal story I wrote out of the depths of my own frustrated first marriage. The poor woman in my story was ready to be hauled out on Tuesday morning with the trash. But I rather liked the story and it beat continually writing in my bitch book of a journal so I polished it up a bit, titled it “Going South” and sent it off to a Writers Digest contest. When I got an honorable mention it scared the shit out of me and I quit writing for six months.

Even now, as I write these words, I am conscious of a duel role here. First I am a human probing her private thoughts through the process of writing. Second, I am a “writer” who wants to make a point and communicate it clearly.

The writing me doesn’t think about whether you get it or not. I don’t care. This is for me. What I write is none of your business. If I catch you looking over my shoulder, I’ll send you “the look.”

The Writer, however, is much more socially conscious and socially conditioned. Hers is a public role and she continually worries about voice and point of view and whether her message will be heard and read by others.
Writing, in its process form, is consciousness itself. Being a Writer is self-consciousness. There is a difference.

When I was teaching myself how to be a public presenter, I struggled with extreme shyness and would get almost sick every time I had to give a talk. Then one day while talking to a group of campus wives, I had an “aha” that completely turned this around. I realized that I did not have to be a speaker. I just had to be me speaking. The same is true with writing. I don’t have to be a writer, I just have to be me writing.
In fact, I could banish all the notorious nouns. I don’t have to BE anything but a human being in the process of living her life.

The Scent of Spring

I want to feel that warm spring air on my face and be back into spending hours everyday outside. My body is already tired of computers and winter. It has been quite a time these past few months since leaving northern MN for South Dakota. We have kicked into high gear while Milt finished the film (Video Letters from Prison,) and we have made plans to move permanently to Cass Lake. We had the chance to visit our straw bale house for a couple of days on this trip and it felt so right to be there. I walked around snow drifts dreaming the gardens into place, the large flower pots protecting my front door, the berry bushes putting on fresh green leaves.

As the winter has crawled by, our plans for Video Letters have bloomed. This film moves the heart in such a wonderful way that we’ve decided to form a confluence between my family constellation work and human development passion and this film. Our plan is to begin setting up facilitated screenings that will take 3-4 hours. We’ll do these intensives with all kinds of groups for the first year but always with the idea of introducing tools and ideas for strengthening the family. We’ve already done a few trial runs with a federal judge and his colleagues, a CD counselor and his prisoner re-entry group, a group of high school students, a group of artists, etc. Each time we do this we come away more clear on how we want to do this. It is a struggle to remember that we cannot “save the world” but that we can operate in small, steady steps to have some influence on the way the world is turning. I feel in the deepest part of my soul that it is the center that crumbles–and that center is the way we do family and basic communication. Too many have left important connections up to weak substitutes such as television and video games.

I hope to be spending more time on my blog from here on out. I am never actually sure who reads it so please leave a comment once in awhile so I will be encouraged to continue.

Jamie