The Taming Power of Love

I am happy to announce that my new novel, The Taming Power of Love, is now available.  In this story I follow two young Lakota boys who lead the way to a total revolution of the heart.  This book has been a labor of love and committment for me as a writer–ten years in the making and my favorite story.  You can now order it at Amazon.com I am posting the first two chapters here tonight.

Chapter 1

February 27, 2003

Cuny Table, a tabletop mesa in the heart of Lakota country, is an unlikely place for a restaurant. The mesa itself is a survivor, having held its ground as thirty-five million years of wind and rain eroded the land into what is now the Badlands of South Dakota. On its high top are a few scat­tered ranches, fields of winter wheat, and a view so wide it feels like the floor of heaven. Sketched along the skyline to the west are the Black Hills; and on the northeastern edge surrounded by a few rough buildings is the Cuny Café.

Agnes Stands Alone, the owner of the café, has been there as long as anybody can remember. She is an old, square-bodied woman with short, coarse hair and eyes like dark marbles that seem to see straight through you. The regulars call her Unci, or Grandmother in Lakota. Most of them wander in not so much for the food (although the food is good) but for her company and the unusual tea she brews from plants gathered down in the Cheyenne River breaks. The old ones, especially, find Agnes’s tea eases their aching bones and makes the blood flow more easily to the toes. Oh, she makes no claims about her tea, but everybody who walks in gets a steaming cup slapped down before them with a brisk command to, “Drink up.”

The café, an old thirty-foot trailer, has been gutted, in­sulated, and made into one open space except for a back bedroom which nobody but Agnes has ever been in. The front has a single booth, two tables, and a plywood counter top covered with blue-flowered contact paper. Some strangers think the poor old trailer looks like a dislocated train car hooked to nothing, going nowhere.

Agnes never hesitates to give advice—or a solid scolding—when needed. But, more than the tea or Indian tacos or advice or whatever is on the menu that day (everybody eats the same daily special), the locals go to the café for Agnes’s stories. She knows all of the old Lakota stories. She knows the creation stories, the stories of Iktomi the trickster and the Seven Sisters who can still be seen winking down from the sky on a clear night. Her favorite is the story of the Second Cleansing when Unci Makah grew tired of the antics of her human children and tossed all but a few off her powerful body. According to the story, those She sheltered later emerged from Wind Cave as The Lakota People.

Agnes, however, doesn’t just tell old stories. Sometimes she tailor-makes the story especially for the person hearing it. For instance, once J.J. Runs At Night had a new colt so sick it couldn’t stand. Agnes told him a story about how a grove of young willows withstood the mightiest of storms by forcing their roots further into Unci Makah, Grandmother Earth. “Such smart, young trees,” she said, “to know just what to do.” By the time J.J. got home, the colt was running across the corral on four sturdy legs.

Another time, June Player’s daughter tried to die by cutting her wrists with the top of a tuna can. The poor girl nearly bled out before they found her. For this dangerous moment, Agnes told June about a small ant who had lost his place in line—until the wind blew a single grain of sand across his path, forcing him to turn another way. The next day, June’s daughter woke up from her deep, uneasy sleep talking about needing to find her place—before it was too late.

A while later, the girl began writing poetry and gave Agnes this poem written in a smooth, pretty hand:

In the greater scheme of things

Only she who sings,

And learns to play the wind,

Will ever grow wings.

Now I play the wind.

Agnes took a pineapple-shaped magnet, stuck the poem to her fridge and said, “Good.” After that the young girl began hanging around the café helping Agnes peel potatoes and wipe off countertops.

Of the nearly forty thousand residents of The Pine Ridge Reservation, at least half of them have been in the Cuny Café at one time or another, not to mention visitors from Japan, Switzerland, Germany, and many other places. Agnes keeps a guest book and feeds them all tea and stories.

On slow days, Agnes sits in an old rocking chair on the rough-lumber porch that the regulars had built for her five years earlier and lights her pipe. When it’s not in use, she keeps the pipe in a small, beaded bag hanging on a nail beside the screen door like a good luck charm. The bowl is carved red pipestone from a quarry in southern Minnesota. This particular stone, Agnes says, was once part of the Black Hills until it broke away and floated off during some ancient upheaval.

Agnes fills the pipe with a dried version of her tea, and while she smokes, she prays. Sometimes the praying takes her far off to what she simply calls “the other place.” The first time she visited this other place she had been only seventeen and drunk. Her uncle, a medicine man, had found her puking her guts out beneath an old cottonwood tree and taken her home and made her pray for three days straight without food or water. That ornery old man—he’d cut straight through her young spirit to the old woman already living there, and Agnes had never again been able to return to her ordinary young life.

Now, when the locals drive up Cuny Table to grab a bite to eat and find her sitting so still with the pipe in her lap and the spirit absent from her eyes, they know not to disturb her and simply tromp up the steps to help themselves in her kitchen. Occasionally, the praying is so complete, so per-vasive, that they find it impossible to cross her threshold and simply get back into their trucks and leave.

Agnes sees many things in the smoke curling up from her pipe; she sees the land, she sees distant places, she sees the beating hearts of the people, the breaking hearts of the people, the loving hearts of the people; and, sometimes, in the hazy curl she sees the old ones who once walked the earth but now watch from other realms. The old ones have stories of their own to tell, but Agnes never tells these stories to anybody except Bill Elk Boy.

It was one of these days, on the edge of winter, when Agnes cast her inner eye outward toward the weathered lands north of Cuny Table and saw the change coming. There, on a single square foot of dry, deserted earth in the Badlands, a thin line of dust rose up from a single needle-mark in the sand. Agnes watched the whorl of dust curl upward like the smoke of her pipe. It had no discernible color unless she used the very edges of her peripheral vision—and then she saw the palest of pink light rising from a dark horizon. As she watched, the pale moving spiral seemed to take shape, as if Creator was conjuring something from nothing, dancing dust into form.

When the dust settled, she saw the form of a woman   asleep in the sand and Agnes knew she had returned at last, the little one . . . the lost one. Two young boys were walking toward the sleeping woman.

When the glaze cleared from her eyes and she again entered this ordinary realm, Bill Elk Boy was beside her. He took the pipe, the bowl now cold to the touch, tapped it clean on the edge of his chair, slipped it back into the beaded bag, and said, “It begins, Agnes. Today it begins.”

Chapter 2

The two boys approached cautiously. From a distance Jed Forrest thought it must be a dead deer or that someone had dumped a pile of clothing out here in the middle of nowhere. He got closer, and his heart started thumping hard when he saw it was a person laying there on the ground—a lady. He and his little brother, Pete, had seen a lot of strange things out here in the Badlands—but they’d never found a body before.

Pete hurried ahead and was on the ground reaching out to touch the lady. Jed caught up to him and whispered, “Don’t touch her,”

“Why not?” Pete asked.

“Because she might be dead, murdered maybe, and we’d mess up the crime scene.”

“Oh,” said Pete. “But, Jed, what if she’s just sick and needs a doctor? We got to do something.”

“I know that. Let me think a minute.”

Jed didn’t know what to think or do. The lady was curled into herself as if she was cold. She wore nothing but a light jacket, jeans, boots, and no cap. He resisted the urge to touch her even though he’d told Pete not to. His dad was maybe fifteen minutes away—too far to hear them if they yelled—but Pete was right; they needed to do something. He reached for her wrist to see if he could feel a pulse. Her skin was warm and relief washed through him—she was alive. He pressed his fingers into her wrist and felt the thump, thump of her heartbeat. “She’s not dead, Pete.”

“Look, Jed. She’s waking up. Maybe you brought her back to life.”

“Shut up, Pete.” Jed dropped her wrist just as the lady blinked her eyes once, twice and then looked up at him. It was strange, the way her eyes wandered, looked up and down, and then finally focused on him. She shook her head and rubbed her face. Jed said, “Are you okay?”

“What?” she said quietly, still blinking and rubbing her eyes.

Pete squatted down and said, almost yelling it out. “She’s alive.”

“Hush, Pete. You’ll scare her. ” Jed stood up and looked down at the woman. “Are you hurt?”

She moved slowly feeling her arms and shoulders and then pushed herself up into a sitting position. “I don’t think so. No, I’m fine. Everything seems to be working.”

Jed looked around for something to explain her being asleep in such a strange place “What the heck are you doing here?”

“I . . . I don’t know. Where is here?” she asked.

“Sheesh—you don’t even know where you are? This is the Badlands. We thought you were dead.” Jed couldn’t believe it.

She smiled. “Well, I don’t appear to be dead since I’m sitting up. Who are you guys?”

“I’m Jed. This is my little brother, Pete. But who the heck are you?” Cripes, he thought, she looks like she just woke up from a little nap in her own bed.

“Give me a minute here, boys. I need to get my bearings. It’s been a very long night, maybe the longest night ever.” She planted her palms on the earth and dug them into the sand, as if the sand was going to tell her something she didn’t know. Jed waited.

The lady finally dusted off her fingers and said, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know who I am.”

Pete sat down beside her and crossed his legs. “She’s got nesia, Jed. You know, like when you can’t remember things.”

Jed said, “The word is amnesia, Pete.”

Pete nodded, focusing all his attention on the lady. “Or maybe you got picked up by aliens, and they dropped you here from their spaceship.”

“Aliens? Come on, Pete.” Jed poked him with his toe.

“Well, I saw a show once and there were these creatures from another planet and . . . .”

“Not now, Pete.” Jed tried to explain it to the strange lady, “My brother is—”

“Sweet. Your brother is sweet,” she said. “No, Pete. I don’t think it was aliens who left me here.”

“What’s your name?” Pete asked.

She rubbed her face and then scanned the earth around her. “Terra. My name is Terra.”

Jed wondered if she was playing some sort of strange game with them “If you can’t remember who you are, then how do you know your name is Terra? What are you doing here? And how did you get here?”

“So many questions for one so young,” she shook her head and shrugged. “I don’t know how I know, and I don’t know what I am doing here. Waiting for you guys, I guess,” she said. She looked around again and seemed to really see where they were for the first time. “This place takes my breath away. It’s so beautiful.” She gave her fingers a wiggle and then looked down at them as if surprised to find them working. “This is amazing, incredible really.”

“What? What’s incredible?” Jed tugged at his long, dark hair—hair he had not cut since his mom died.

The lady watched him, seeming to notice him for the first time. She looked from him to Pete and said, “Are you guys Indians?”

Jed nodded, “Lakota.” He was beginning to not like this game or this lady or the way Pete was staring up at her as if she were the moon and sun combined. “Pete—quit staring at her.”

“She’s pretty, Jed.”

“Oh cripes.” He resisted the urge to kick sand at his stupid little brother.

“Pete. Jed.” Terra said quietly, as if the names were sacred sounds. “It’s okay, Jed. Everything is okay, don’t you know?”

“What? What don’t I know?” He was beginning to dislike this word game. The lady reached out as if to touch him but he pulled back.

“How old are you, Jed?”

“Twelve.”

“Ah, such a good age.” She turned to Pete. “And how old are you?”

Pete grinned. “Seven. Almost. Next month.”

She nodded and said, “Perfect. Now, quit worrying, Jed. Never mind that I can’t answer your questions yet. I’m just so happy to meet the two of you. Really I am.” She stood up, pausing a minute as if to make sure her legs were working, and then she said simply, “Come on. Let’s go.”

“But . . . but where are you going?” Jed asked.

“With you and Petey, of course, since I don’t know where I am and it wouldn’t make sense to just stay here all alone.” She took Pete’s hand and then started off down the draw in the same direction from which they had just come.

Jed shook his head as he watched the strange lady and his little brother walk off like who-do-you-know. His head felt funny, tight and full, and he couldn’t figure out what was going on. There was no car or truck, no motorcycle or campsite, nothing to explain what she was doing passed out under an embankment, no clue of who she was or what the heck she was doing sleeping in the Badlands.

Jed didn’t like strangers, and he most certainly didn’t like strangers who called his little brother “Petey.” He let Terra and Pete get ahead of him. He was thinking about how, when they’d first found her, he’d thought she was dead, lying there not moving, like something tossed away. He’d felt for a pulse and just when he’d been about to run for his dad, she’d opened her eyes and blinked up at them. Cripes, that had given him a scare—like a movie—the dead one getting up again and again.

Except they didn’t all get up.

His mom hadn’t gotten up again. Sometimes they were just plain dead. He felt the familiar plunk in his belly that always came when he thought of his mom. “Dang,” he muttered aloud.

Now the lady and Pete were walking ahead of him like old buddies, and he had to hurry to catch up. He closed the distance between them. When he caught up, Terra put her hand out; and without thinking he took hold of it like it was a stick and he was drowning in a creek. The lady just smiled at him and suddenly his cheeks felt hot.

Something crazy is going on here, he thought, now totally conscious of her hand in his. In an eye blink, everything had changed. He looked at her, but she was staring forward, marching along like a soldier. When they topped the rise, he tugged his hand from hers and said, “My dad is this way.” He pointed off in the direction of the truck and they walked soundlessly down the dusty wash and up over the bluff.

She looked at him and said with a wink, “Lead the way, my man. Wither thou goest, there go I.”

“What did you say?”

“Relax, Jed. I’m only having some fun with you. Are you always so serious?”

“I am not so serious.” The lady stared at him like she could see right through him, and that made him mad. He turned and walked off.

Staying ahead of them, Jed led the way over the bluff and back down into another wash, following the tracks that he and Pete had made just a little while ago when the world still seemed together and they were just going off to collect sticks or cans. He could see their tracks pressed into the sand like fossils—yet it didn’t seem like the same path they had come down. Suddenly nothing seemed familiar. He looked around and it seemed like a movie with the volume turned up, like there was more of everything: more color in the sky, more softness to the sand, more insects buzzing in his ears, more yellow in the morning sun . . . more, more, more. It made him dizzy.

He headed toward his dad’s truck shaking his head, fighting a sudden weird urge to laugh and wondering what his dad would say about her.

Let him figure it out, Jed thought. Let him just go figure.

New Garden images

My new vegetable garden

The garden

I promised to include some pictures today–here they are.  The garden north of my front door–and the front door.

The front door

The front door

Loving the mud

I am finally settling into a summer pattern.  Our straw bale house has mountains of mud to be applied both inside and out.  If I get out of my moment, it overwhelms me.  If I am in my moment, I love it.  There is something so earthy and sensual about clay and sand and water.  It makes me feel like a kid again–or a heated up teenager.  I am getting smarter about not working harder and work in a nice leisurely way screening, mushing up the load, adding straw, applying it to the walls.  Slowly, we are completing what just could not be completed last November or December.  The weather has been cooperating nicely–maybe a bit too hot.

On June 5th we are having a day-long mudding workshop.  If you are anywhere near Cass Lake, MN and want to join us, it is just $35 which includes lunch.  I’ll walk you through each of the many stages of earth plastering a straw bale house.  I will also wear you out, but it will be fun.

It is odd, we have been a bit worried about how we will continue to make a living as we ease into our “simplified life” where I work harder physically than I can ever remember doing.  But damn, it feels good.  I begin to shed pounds, lose the years of stress, the flab of sitting at computers much too much.  I forget to eat ( my diet plan) but I never forget to drink a lot of water.  When I need a break, I’m working on my getting these books completed and out.  For years I have written book after book and spent so much time trying to find publishers and agents.  Now, I have a different attitude.  In fact, I just released my agent after two years of trying in an uncertain economy to place a book that fits no genre that I know of.  The genre of Jamie Lee, I guess.  The Taming Power of Love (used to be One Drum) is like my house, spun out of the earth herself.  I love the story–Mother Earth gets tired of being abused by humans and is about to toss them off her weary back, but a young granddaughter is convinced that she could change the course–teach humans to love one another and the earth again.  The good lady decides to give her a chance–and a great love story unfolds within a few hundred pages.  I love this story.  The good news is that the book is going into print tomorrow.  (Well, it will take 6 weeks before I hold it in my hand, but it has a beautiful cover and the editing is done.)

It is a strange thing being a writer of transformational or visionary fiction.  The stories themselves seem like a gift from the greater forces, and it is hard to shove them in a drawer and forget about them.  They haunt me and won’t let me off the hook.  Unfortunately, the books are not an easy sell to the publishing world.

Now, someone has cut a main artery of the good mother (oil in the gulf) and I feel like a book that  honors her is appropriate at this specific moment in time.  In the story there are drums and dreams and daughters and sons and spirits and great beings, and Badlands and Good lands and Bear Butte . . .  and a single moment when everything shifts on its axis and changes.  And if we are careful, the change is good and lasting.

Since I started messing with my blog, I am not sure if my e-list is still getting my posts.  If you get this (if you read it) please let me know.

Today we finished preparing our brand new garden plot for planting.  When we first arrived on the land, the spot we chose was a garbage dump.  Some earlier resident had left broken toilets, car parts, a broken washing machine, bed springs, old rugs and clothes and all kinds of crap on this particular spot.  Last summer I mostly picked up all of the trash and cleaned it up the best I could.  This year we pulled out all of the junk and added several inches of topsoil and tilled and cleaned the soil.  It looks beautiful.  Tomorrow I will plant my first Minnesota garden (except for the berry garden, of course.)

When I first moved out to South Dakota 32 years ago, I was newly married and moving into my first house with my new husband.  We got married on May 28, one week after my college graduation.  That very first summer in my new home I tilled up the back yard and planted a garden.  I was never much into whatever gardening my parents did, but for some reason I wanted my own.  Last summer was the first year in all of those decades that I did not plant a vegetable garden.  Building a house took precedence.  Now, I can’t wait to poke the seeds into my new spot of earth.  I will have to post some recent pictures now that I know how.

Well, the day is drawing to a close.  The moon is nearly full and it shines over our little circle in the trees and is so beautiful it nearly makes me weep.  I’m home.

Jamie

Media attempt

A fun bit that was flying around the internet

I don’t know how to add a cover image so just click on it and see if it works.

The film clip came on but it was very slow–a quick time film.  Let me try a flash.  No luck.

Now I will try just an audio file and see what happens.

Jamie Lee talking about Family Constellation Work

Now, a test.

A New Look

"Our straw bale house"

The house

Milt and I standing in our "front window"

As you can see, I am refreshing my blog and trying to learn about how to put in more images and media.  I also wanted to separate my writer self from my teacher self a bit.  I thought about starting a second blog to post more helpful ideas for you about building strength and presence in the world.  But I can hardly keep up with one.  So, bear with me as I practice putting in new items.  I’ll start with a couple of pictures of the early stages of constructing our straw bale cabin.  We are actually living in it now, so I will post more finished pictures soon.

We are also having a straw bale earth plastering workshop on the place on June 5th from 9-whenever we get tired.  Hope some of you can make it.

Jamie

Out on Bale

It has already been close to a month since we moved back up to northern Minnesota. I am beginning to settle into a nice pattern of writing, working, mudding, and the constant clean-up that seems to go along with building a house. Since I last wrote a personal note here, lots has happened. I have a new granddaughter–Sofie Florence Walla. I was able to spend a week hanging out with the kids and helping Nichol and her new daughter.

I finished the revision and publication of my book, The Lonely Place, Re-Visioning Adolescence and the Rite of Passage. Yesterday I gave the book to my niece Lori to read. She called me this morning and was very emotional. The book explores why young people form gangs and clicks in order to belong–will do almost anything to be able to belong. In the book I explore our cultural loss of formal initiation and rites of passage for our young people. I show how, when the adults and elders don’t take on the task of initiation–the kids will do it themselves. Lori could relate to the stories and ideas in the book and it triggered all of the many things she has done to “belong.” Unfortunately, the path was not always the best path.

I am so excited about finally having that book out in a beautiful way. If you look at my categories on this blog, you will see that I posted many of the early chapters (maybe the whole book, I can’t remember). Do look into it and as soon as copies are available I will let you know how to get a copy. The title has been changed to “The Lonely Place, Re-Visioning Adolescence and the Rite of Passage. Watch for it.
Jamie

Jamie

As January Slips Away

I have been strangely absent from my blog for the past weeks.  The new year came and moved in while I was still getting settled.  So many things have been coming to us and we race to keep up.  Milt’s film, Video Letters from Prison is getting a lot of movement now.  The post production is done and it goes into the public broadcast system in June.  In the meantime, we are discovering that this powerful documentary is indeed a way for us to finally talk about the heart and soul of the family.  Today we met with a federal judge, a bunch of legal systems people and a juvenile judge.  By the time they watched the film the women were all in tears.  They really understood that without this core strength of the parents and the lineage, a child is much like a wingless bird.  He cannot fly.

After the meeting, I went into a tailspin.  Something about that meeting brought up all the memories of all the many ways I have tried to become an advocate for the young people.  I was having flashbacks of my early years as a resource teacher in an elementary classroom for emotionally disturbed children.  And the time I worked in a teen attention center.  And the talk I gave last spring to 90 incarcerated youth.  And the book I wrote about adolescence and my own children’s teen years.  There is probably no stronger desire in me than to be able to somehow turn around this destructive cycle of children left to raise and fend for themselves somehow.  When I wrote Albert’s Manuscript, (somewhere here in the mix and also at smashwords.com) I felt like the great spirit was talking to me and urging me forward.  Albert learned that when children are treated well, they become weavers on the loom of the new world.

It would be sweet if the many lines of my life converged at last I could take a place of strength and voice and confidence in helping these lost ones.  I believe it is what I came here to do and perhaps I have been too self-absorbed to get on it.  When we showed Video Letters to a group of high school students in Lincoln, NE in late October of last year, a young man practically cornered me and wanted to talk about his own father.  His sadness was like a scent that lingered around his young body.   It hurts me to know how many just like him are out there trying to figure out this freaking world alone.

Milt recently read that swearing can bring down your blood pressure.  I’m practicing that but won’t subject anybody to my experiment here.

So, in the coming weeks I will be exploring ways to create a toolkit that could be used by families, children, careworkers.  We shall see what evolves.  I am exciting about taking the concepts of Family Constellation Work and making them much more widely known.  A child stands in the lineage of two parents.  In order for a child to stand strong, both lines must remain open.  There, that is the simplest explanation I can give.

In the meantime, my straw bale house stands alone in the freezing snow without us.  We left right before Christmas and are back in Rapid City, SD for the next few months working our tails off to see this film get properly launched.  Milt just created a Face Book fan page for the film so do check it out and become a fan. (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Video-Letters-From-Prison/227630477599?ref=ts

Blessing to all in this advancing new year.

Jamie

Moving forward

Today we “broke through” the slash pile behind our house.  I can see the woods beyond and the sun on the green was beautiful.  We have had these mini-monsoon rains lately that come and go within five minutes–sudden downpours that leave the earth glistening. 

We’ve had an interesting week.  My computer crashed and got sent to the HP emergency room.  We have had a difficult time finding the last four logs we need to raise our roof.  We finally found them but they are on the forest floor for a few more days.  Then last Friday we went to look at a larger trailer that a man had for sale and when we saw that it had a separate bedroom and living room, we realized that we have both been avoiding the issue of not enough space for two people in our tiny space.  We bought the trailer the next day and moved it onto our land.   We finally realized that if the river is not going to be pushed, it will probably be 6 weeks to 2 months before we finish our cabin.  In the meantime, we need to be able to rest and be in a comfortable space.  It is amazing how much one small bedroom space can improve one’s mood. 

Tonight we had supper with two of my old high school buddies and their husbands.  Once again I can see the span of decades between who I was then and who I am now.  While it is true that we change and grow, it is also true that we are always who we are on some level. 

No more tonight.

Jamie

Jamie Lee

Singing the Blues

No, I am not feeling down.  I wandered into the woods today and picked my first quart of wild blueberries.  Heaven.  As I was picking I kept hearing songs in my head that had the word “blue” in them.  And yes, I was singing to the berries.  It was fun to crank my body around with something besides raking and belly dancing. 

Things are coming together for building our strawbale.  We got set back a bit when the “indestructable” tamarack logs we bought last summer were rotten.  Since we want to start with good materials, Milt has been out searching out the log situation.  I think he has it covered now and the roof should go up maybe next week.  Then we play with straw.  I think we will be like the three little pigs.  After the straw house, I want to build a stick house (cord wood), and one from brick (cob).  For now I have been breaking down mountains of slash and spreading the composted dirt over the “yard.”  Do you call it a yard when there are ten acres of undeveloped woods and field?  I guess it will be–I planted grass seed into part of it today.

It is time for me to get back to my own writing.  I can feel the itch begin to build and I think I will start with returning to the novel “Still Mountain” which I never finished.  Or maybe morning pages to see what is “composting” down inside of me. 

Tomorrow we start a three day festival in Cass Lake with the Bead People.  I am looking forward to it but I want it to warm up.  The blueberries must like this cold weather but I am longing for a bit of sun and heat.  We have been running our small heater in the camper to stay warm.  Brrr.

Life in the northwoods . . .

Jamie

Excerpt From “A Good Soft Blanket”

(This is Chapter 4 of an unpublished novel.)

The first week after Alan’s departure wasn’t too bad.  I had a lot I wanted to do.  It was still early June and things were growing in that wild, uncontrollable June way, and every day I spent pruning, trimming, raking and baking my face beneath the brilliant, yellow sun.  Alan called me once, said should we try again, give it another shot?  I said no, not much point to that.  He gave me his new cell phone number; he was staying with his brother and said call if I had a change of heart. 

That was the trouble.  My heart.  Unchangeable as a stone, gathering no moss, unmovable.  In some ways it was a change of heart, I suppose, but there was no blood flowing his way, no pump or beat or pulse, so I said no, no point in that.

It was the second week, the week of my personal inventory which kicked off the real movement.  I was reading a self-help book.  It suggested that  if you want to know who you are, really ARE, walk around your house and look at what is there.  Let IT tell you.  The book said to open drawers and closets, peer at pictures on walls, study labels on medicine bottles, look into the silverware drawer.  I felt like a Realtor seeing a potential property for the first time, clipboard in hand.  The results of this inventory shocked me. 

Except for the secluded hidden beaches in the coves and corners, I did not exist in my own house.  I double-checked, inching from room to room, growing anxious, even nauseated, wondering if I sublimated myself so well in the twelve-year sleep of my marriage.  The house had no personality, no flair.  Nothing.

Where was I? 

I felt like Van Winkle, blinking and yawning, eyelids fluttering, asking what world is this?   Finally, I pulled the chain that let down a hidden ladder, and I went into the attic.  Somewhere up there was a box of my mementos, and it suddenly seemed oh-so-important to find it.  When I did find it, it was such a tiny box that tears cornered in my eyes.   I flipped up the lid and saw old notebooks, a packet of letters written to my folks from England during a six-month college trip, and an odd assortment of stuff.  Some was just plain silly: a dried flower from a boy whose name I could not recall, a pop-top from my first beer, pictures of classmates with friends forever scratched on their backsides.  I couldn’t call a single one friend, now, as an adult.  I flipped open the ninth grade poetry project and saw:

Life will hand Mary

No harder task,

Then to know the right answer

And have nobody ask.

The space for the author said “Anonymous” and I realized that, even as a girl, I’d felt invisible.  I started to jam the folder back into the box and a small page fluttered out and landed between my legs.  I read my earliest attempt at haiku;

Please, I want to know

Did Jesus ever wonder,

If there was a God?

Oh desperate, desperate words, the plea of a ninth grade girl for meaning, for magic.  Please.  So polite, so mournful.  I wanted to weep for that girl still peeking around the corners of my soul.   

The morning was disappearing and the roof of the house had become a cookie sheet, the attic an oven.  Sweating profusely, I left the box and it’s sad, sorry contents.  I climbed down the rickety steps, folding them back into themselves and making them disappear like magic.

That’s what I had done.  Simply folded myself into my self like a magician and disappeared for twelve long years. 

I started lunch.  Flat egg noodles with melted butter, fresh cloves of garlic, a single tomato sliced into the mixture.  Tom and Emily came in to eat. 

Tom stared at me as I put their plates on the table.  “Mom?”

“Yes?” 

He was still staring at me.  “What is it, Tee?”

“Nothing.  Just . . . you look funny.”

Funny–that suspicious word.  Funny as in funny like a clown, funny like Jay Leno, funny like frizzy hair?  Funny how? 

I went to the small curio shelf and peered through the gee-gaws into the mirror behind.  What I saw startled me.  My face was blotchy red, my eyes looked wild, my mouth open.  The creatures on the tiny shelf looked embedded into my skin like gravel after a bike accident.  I giggled.  For the first time, I thought I detected just the smallest hint of color rising from my open mouth.  I think it was yellow, maybe gold.  It was brief, hardly perceptible.  “You’re right, Tom.  I look hilarious.  Let’s eat.”

I scuttled the self-help book and flopped it into the trash, dumped dead noodles on its cheery cover, and then sprinkled wet coffee ground over the top before I hauled it out.  Somehow I made it through that day and finally, when Tom and Emily were bathed and bedded, I ground fresh coffee beans, sniffing greedily at the dark scent. 

While water dribbled through the machine, I cracked cubes from a cheap, blue plastic ice tray and filled a glass with clear, distilled water.  I thought seriously (couldn’t get that book off my mind) about the many pitiful pseudo-rituals I’d created in lieu of anything truly meaningful.  My spirit was thirsty–metaphorically present– in these endless drinking rituals of mine.  Had I ever really embraced any religious practice, I may have been lighting small, scented candles, waving burning sticks of incense, dabbing ritual water in the form of a cross on my own body.  Instead I was preparing coffee with a dollop of half and half and a tall, clear glass of iced water and opening a notebook to a clear, unmarred page. 

My god, I needed guidance, I thought.  Should I raise the blank pages like burning sage to the four directions, to above and below, I wondered?   Invoke the gods I didn’t believe in-and who didn’t believe in me? 

Instead I picked up the plain, blue Papermate (the best writing pen I owned) and using plain, block letters, I opened salutations with, I want . . . . 

I wrote it again. 

I want . . . .

I tried again using all caps: WHAT I REALLY WANT MOST IS . . . .

I invoked Natalie’s Zen practice and repeated silently to myself–say anything, write anything, hurry, move, quicksand here, go, go on, directly to go, do not stop at go . . . .

I want sand between my toes,  want to dance top-naked under a full moon,  want a soul mate, damn it!  I want (‘S’ words only) sand, sex, spirit, strawberries, storms . . . .

Try again.  I decided to be Owen Meany and use all capitals).  SAND SEX SPIRIT STRAWBERRIES SEA SOUL MATE STORMS SIZZLE SERENITY SKY SENSATION SILLINESS SERENDIPITY SOIL SIZZLE

An old teaching came to mind. Be specific. 

I can’t. 

Then flip the coin, heads or tails.

What I don’t want is . . . . I couldn’t write it.  I couldn’t write a single word.

The deconstruction of my life began at that moment.  It was a Zen moment, a satori of instant recognition, and another ‘S’ word.  I wrote the single word on the page before me.  STUFF.

I don’t want…stuff.

I serve stuff.

The crux.  The confession.  The crucible.

I was getting caught in ‘C’ words now.  I stared at the page and realized I serve the stuff in my life that means nothing and IS NOT ME.  I polish furniture I despise, mow grass I hate . . . pull weeds, scrub floors, wash dishes, make beds.  I had sublimated myself to an unmade bed. 

If I was to discover the new direction of my life, I must first erase the old.  I decided, then and there, we would make a drastic change.  I would be like Descartes’, remove all beliefs and rabble until only the truth emerged. 

I think, therefore I am.

By morning the way was clear.  I never imagined it could be that easy.  I gave myself one day per year.  Twelve years to accumulate what I didn’t want–twelve days to get rid of it again.  Alan had taken what he wanted.  The rest was up to me.  Not a moment longer would I spend serving this stuff.  I had wasted enough time.

I mobilized the kids and told them, “You can keep three things.  The rest goes.  Except clothes, of course–but get rid of what doesn’t fit, isn’t liked, or is shredded.”  At first they looked at me like mom had lost her mind.  And perhaps I had, somewhere between a midnight dance with moon beings, and a hot trip to the attic.  Nothing was clear to me except this.  I had to unload a life in order to make a life.  I had to go to the desert if I was to find the forest. 

I was not quite rational (even about my spiritual metaphors), but once Thomas and Emily realized I was deadly serious about this, they joined the adventure. 

We attacked with a vengeance, moving through the house like looters in a riot.  We filled cartons with books, dishes, clothing, household wares, candles, cheesy wall junk like tin butterflies and heavy metal sconces.  No, we were not packing for a move–we were dejunking.  Over the days that followed, venders and traders lined up at my door and marched over the place like an army.  I sold the chairs, couches, bookcases, and books.  I sold the beds, bedding, and the bureau that once belonged to somebody’s grandmother.  Not mine.  The venders came and went while I stood on the top step and waved each load off to its final destination–to someone else’s life, not mine.   With each load moving out the front door, I felt lighter and lighter. 

We even cleared the entire woodshop of old windows, bagged up doorknobs, dead picture frames, buckets of nails, and yellow rolls of insulation reminiscent of my soft yellow blanket (which I kept).  That woodshop load went to a handsome man named Charles who was building a recycled house outside of Belle Fourche.  He caught my eye for a moment; I think it was the lean, blue-jean look, but I refused to see him, refused to be distracted even for a moment. 

Had I looked, had I seen him, all that unfolded over the next three months may have taken an entirely different turn, but in that moment I was grateful somebody would haul off those bulky used windows and a mountain of bolts, nails, screws, and tools. 

 For twelve days I was the mistress of recycle, reuse and, most importantly, refuse.  We stuffed the fists full of money into a Guatemalan book bag.  By the end of the twelfth day the kids and I, now in sleeping bags on the living room floor (or on the trampoline where we had taken to sleeping on nice nights), laid the money in piles of ones, tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds.  Tom gleefully counted the piles while Emily made tidy notes in a small pocket notebook.

When the piles of money had been tabulated, Tom took his pocket calculator (oddly, one of the three items he’d kept–his father’s child) and tallied up the figures.  I sat cross-legged on the floor, arms folded across my chest, feeling like a true urban Indian.  “Well, how much?”

“Hang on, Mom, just a minute.”  His head was bent, and I had the urge to lick his forehead, grooming him like a mother animal.  I’d reduced my needs to their most basic, instinctual elements.

Emily scooted next to me.  The kids must have sensed a great adventure unfolding in all this.  They’d thrown them selves completely, trustingly at my mercy.  And I was merciful.  At least I hoped that would prove true.  We’d not even kept the television.  In fact, I made sure it went out the door first.

“Okay.  I got it.  Here it is.”  Thomas raised his head and grinned widely.  ”$4,828.36.  Holy cow.”

I giggled at his triumphant look.  To him it was a lot of money, but I knew if I marched out to buy all we had sold, it would cost me ten times that much.  But this feeling, this free-falling, free-flying feeling, could not be bought for any price.  I felt completely liberated.  “Perfect!  That is the most perfect amount.”  I repeated it slowly, for effect.  “Four thousand, eight hundred, twenty-eight dollars, and thirty-six cents.  Well, how do you like that?  The sum total of my life amounts to $4,828 dollars.  And thirty-six cents.”  I picked up a hand full of bills and showered them over the only two honest riches of my life.  “And two, scruffy children worth their weight in gold and precious jewels.” 

We had a money storm in the middle of our living room campsite, and then pinched a ten-dollar bill out of the money mess and ordered Little Ceasars  $9.99 pizza pizza special special.

Money was not an issue with me.  I had my summer teacher’s salary, a chunk invested in my name only and, in four more days, I would no longer have the responsibility of gas, electricity, water, or phone.  I had found summer renters by placing a three-line ad in the newspaper and, one week from now, a rent-all truck would show up and fill the house with somebody else’s problems and personalities, permeating the air with their faintly colored breath-mists for the next ninety days, long enough for me to decide to go, or stay, on a more permanent basis.  I thought about buyng a tipi, but that sounded too white.  Besides, a traveler on the wide path of life needs wheels.  I debated about going cellular on the road but nixed the idea.  Did Jack Kerouac have a cell phone?  Did Mark Twain?  John Steinbeck? 

With the $4,828.36, I cleared every credit card: Sears, Penneys, Radio Shack, Visa, Mastercard.  The irony did not escape me.  The money from the sale of my earthly goods covered all the debt and left me with $0.81.  So my life value had just tallied out at $0.81. I felt no regret.

Then, I drove my now paid for ‘96 Nissan into a used car lot, picked out a small cabover, Toyota camper with 72,000 miles on it, traded the Nissan as a down payment on it, and financed the remaining $3,000.  I debated whether to go pull cash from the investment fund for the remainder, but decided to give that ninety days as well.  Ninety days from now, if the alignment of the sun and moon so dictated, I would sell or keep the camper.  After twelve years, ninety days was an eye blink, a mere twitch of time. 

Had I known, had I had any inkling how completely those ninety days would alter my life-I still would not have done any different.  In fact, I might have hastened the deconstruction of my life even further. 

By the time I drove the camper into the driveway, it was still only 10:30 in the morning. Tom and Emily met me at the door, the breakfast milk barely wiped from their mouths.  Thomas looked so old, appraising the new/old camper with a steady eye, walking around it.  I fully expected him to pull the latch, lift the hood, grunt and groan knowingly over the dirty morass of wires and parts; but no, that is what his dad would have done if he were still here.  Instead, Thomas let out a war-whoop and launched himself behind the wheel.

“Where we going, Mom?  This is cool.  Can I have the bed up here?  Can we sleep in it tonight?  Please Mom?”  He thumped his hand on the roof of the cab to indicate his preferred sleeping space.

“Yes. You can have that space.  You wouldn’t catch me squeezing this old body into that confined space.  Emily and I will take this one.”  I touched the two cushioned benches facing off across the flimsy, pedestal table.”  I chuckled at Emily’s puzzled face.  “It all folds down, into a big, comfy bed.  And look, I got an old room-sized tent for when we find a place we want to stay for awhile.”  I flipped the lid to show the kids.  The dull green beast of a tent huddled beneath one of the benches using every square inch of space.

Tom crawled out of the driver’s seat and came to sit on the bench opposite of where Emily and I were sitting.  His soft, yellow, breath-mist was suddenly as vibrant as yellow flame.  He looked like a gentle dragon on a maroon, velvet throne.  I stared at him, at every powerful line of his young, handsome face. 

God, I loved these kids.

“Mom, what ARE we doing?  Where are we going?  And why?”

Ah, small boy of the big questions.  My son had much larger questions than his father had ever had.  I already knew both of my children had inherited the same heart defect I’d suffered from most of my life.  I saw it at birthday parties, school functions and gatherings when the herd instinct kicked in and other children began to swoop down on a single victim, but both Emily and Tom backed away instantly, unwilling to participate in causing another person pain.  Even at adult functions, the first sign of gossip and bad-talking some unsuspecting soul, my kids asked politely to be excused. 

Thomas was staring at me now, waiting for the answer. 

“So, where are we going?  Oh, what a question, my son.  To the moon?  To the sea?  To the mountains and forests?  I know we will cross a desert when it is at least 129 degrees.”

“Mom!”

“Okay, okay.  I don’t know.”  I said.  “I don’t know where we’re going, all right?  I want to try life without all this baggage.  We’ll be like a snail carrying our house with us.”

“But what will we do?”  This came from Em–dear, serious, sweet, silent Emily.  She was the white lace on the deeper red of my heart; Tom the center, Emily the border. 

“Listen, guys.  I don’t know.  I only know that I’ll know when it comes.  Does that make sense?” 

They nodded solemnly.  I suppose if their minds had been more firmly pointed toward adulthood, they would have listed all the reasons this adventure made no sense.  They’d sound like my mother, talking about big city dangers with a small town voice, and of course, the foolishness of towing two young children along on such an adolescent adventure.  This I knew because my mother, bless her heart, had planted herself in one small section of my brain. 

But they were kids, and kids go along.

Emily had never breathed color.  I still didn’t know what that meant.  Could it be the color that she breathes is outside of the spectrum of knowable colors and the tiny receptors in my eyes were unable to perceive such subtle, delicate hues? 

Later, after the kids had drifted into the floating sea of dreams in the camper outside my front door, I pulled the yellow blanket around my shoulders and padded barefoot across the chill, damp, ground and climbed onto the trampoline.  I stared bravely up at the sky. 

The moon was illuminating the fast-moving clouds, on adventures of their own, I supposed.  How I wished this taut trampoline canvas was a magic carpet.  Or I wanted the giant cottonwood in the neighbor’s yard to use its wide, strong arms to lift me up and cradle me next to its heart so I could feel the beat pulsing from deep within the earth through a million yards of root system.  Since the load of stuff had lifted off, I was now fully aware that I wanted a lot.  I wanted it all.  But my all had nothing to do with this mundane world and its mundane stuff.  On this I was crystal clear. 

What stayed hidden beneath the course I’d chosen, however, was the silliness of believing that whatever was missing in my soul had anything to do with what I had accumulated outside of my soul.  The two were not related.  This I was to learn again and again on this journey.  But for now, I wanted to feel stripped to the bone, naked on the face of the earth, my heart, soul, and body drained like an engine of its oil, ready for something else to slide in and grease the emptiness.