I have been moving at a breakneck pace these past few weeks. Many different parts of my life are coming to a close. I’m in my last three weeks as an instructor at Oglala Lakota College. Our training group in Family Constellation Work has just a few more sessions before it closes. And the house I’ve lived in for the past 26 years will soon be occupied by somebody else. It has been both exhilarating and bittersweet to watch box after box of stuff go away. Even my old dead windows are gone-two shining, new ones went in today. Leon and his son, Rusty, have been residing our house, installing windows and generally making it look like a completely different place. Why is it that we will do all these nice things to a house-just as we are leaving it? My husband, Milt, is up on our land in N. Minnesota getting power brought in, digging a well, and arranging to have the survey done so we don’t accidently put our little straw bale cabin on somebody else’s land.
In less than a month my life will look entirely different. My plan is to gently return to the blank page and see if anything speaks to me. The Bead People will take a substantial and very pleasant part of my time. Creating our new space will also call me. For those of you who are new to my blog, we have been planning this shift for several years now. I know so many people want to make a substantial change toward a more simple life, and I keep blinking to see if we have really done it. The first thing we did was cut up all credit cards, tighten our belts (and our spending habits) and get rid of nearly all debt. Then we bought the land and made a plan to build with straw bale. It has been a dream of ours for at least a decade and somewhere in a hayloft in N. MN are 300 dry bales just waiting for us. Next we began whittling away at the mountain of stuff we had accumulated. Last summer we had four garage sales. Next weekend we will have another. In the meantime we raised a roof over our studio, resided, bought and installed new windows and generally took care of old business. It is amazing to me that we have done all of this without incurring any new debt. When we need-money arrives. How is that for sweet?
Here is my plan. I want to do only what moves me. I want to follow spirit and flow and see where this river takes me. I want to let go of old expectations and past disappointment. I want to be open, receptive, awake. I want to give back in a big way-whatever that means. I want simple and clear, crystal clear.
Tonight during my constellation training group, one of the women (and a friend of mine) was talking about how much she wants to reach out and create something new for herself. Even as she was talking about it you could see the grief come up. It was as if just the act of wanting to reach brought a deep pain that it wouldn’t happen-wasn’t possible. We did an interesting integration constellation between the part of her that desires and the part of her that does not believe it is possible. It was beautiful to see the two warring parts of herself come together and get to know each other a little bit. As they (the representatives) closed the gap between these two parts, you could feel the union. It was wonderful. I talked to the group about how we all have these parts that disagree or feel disconnected. One wants-one stops it. It is almost universal, I believe. Paradoxically, we can’t resolve this deep separation by “getting rid of” one of the parts. We can only resolve it by bringing them together into a shared sphere, a joining of desire and desperation.
I am tired, but so satisfied. All is well in my world-and I hope all is well in yours.
Jamie